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Sunday, December 19, 2010

overdoing everything

i hate the holiday seasons. yes it's time for family gathering, awesome food, drinking sessions and great company but it's also the over spending, over eating and over indulging. i hate it.


i've been baking and it seems that the moment the cookies comes out of the oven, it goes straight into my mouth and the excuse is "i have to test it." the next time i bake, i'll pass it to the closest person next to me. i get the recipes from here and it's just so good! *starts salivating*

i've been looking at pictures - oldest, older and recent. it's horrible. my weight is constantly fluctuating and never consistent. for some reason, people think it's a good idea to take candid photos. it's not. when i am unaware that i am being photograph, i always look grumpy and gross.

i do want to be grateful for the things that i have rather than constantly be complaining about the things that i don't have. so i've decided to change the things that i don't like about myself and those that i can't do anything about, compromise and work with it. i have to start listing out my new years resolutions and make it work.

anyway..

working out? .... should i?...:S

Saturday, December 4, 2010

restless thoughts

after tossing and turning for 4 hours, i finally slept at 6a.m. I shut my eyes tights and did the breathing exercise to calm myself down. Must have been all these over analyzing and over thinking that has led me to insomnia. 

Finally falling into the stage 4 of NREM and into my deep sleep of dreaming, now i wish i had stayed up instead. I had a bad dream and it reminded me too much of my apartment now. 



Somehow in my apartment, I was the guest. I came in to look for a friend and she had taken me to her room for more privacy. As i was speaking to her, she started 'practicing' her headstands and flips. I lay there on her bed and wondered "what the fuck are you doing that for?" 

I then asked her, "How the fuck did you manage to do that with just one hand?" 

She glared at me with a smirk. 

The expression she gave me was uncomfortable and sneaky, almost like a snake. I won't lie that this girl's attitude is snakelike. Sneaky and manipulative but i would have thought that in my dream, she'd be the opposite. 

After a long pause, she finally replied "There's someone here and he wants to say hi."

Immediately i freaked out, eyes widen and jaw clenched. 

Suddenly, i felt someone touching my arms and face. Lightly stroking my cheeks and i felt the hair on the back of my neck stand. I screamed "GET OFF ME!!"

After struggling, I was left alone in the bedroom with my laptop and phone. (Take note that I was in my bedroom with my laptop and phone on the bed.) I felt uneasy and decided to go to the living room. I opened the door and the girl (who i shall now refer to as Kartini) was socializing with a group of guys that I used to socialize with but not anymore. It's funny how my current boyfriend was sitting with them though, probably because he used to hang out with them but not anymore?

Anyway, i gestured Kartini to come my way and asked her "I feel like someone is in the room. Who is in the room with me?" She stood in front of the door, a foot away from me and told me that she can't say and insisted that I step out of the room. 

I froze and jumped out. I was very persistent for her to tell me who was it and she refused until i resorted to emotional blackmail. I said something along the lines of "remember the time when you were in shit and i sent you cash to help you out?"

She sighed and admitted to using the cash for recreation drugs. She then told me that the 'person' that is in the room is our friend, a good friend actually and he had done something and now his soul is just unrested in that room. 

Shocked and speechless, i looked at one of the guys that was sitting there and he gave me a weird look. Refusing to hold eye contact. 

I woke up thinking that it is all just a dream only to realize that I am still stuck in the dream. This time i still had that uneasy and uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, the hair on the back of my neck stand again. I ran out of the room and began to look for my cat. 

As i was searching in the apartment for Miko which by the way seems like a long time, i ended up running to Janice's room and yelled Miko. Only to find a couple of people that are strangers to me sleeping on the bed. I apologized and told them that I was looking for my cat and they simply pointed at the dresser. Typically there was Miko parading on top of the dresser and looking so regal. 

I held her down and cleaned her body. Somehow it was dirty and there were feathers stuck in her mouth. I acted like a nagging mother and cleaned and scolded at the same time. 

I then proceed to the same bedroom again, contemplating on whether I should retrieve my cell phone and laptop that was sitting on my bed. I stood there for the longest time until this one lady whom I assumed would be my house-mate stood there and told me to get in to get it. 

I looked at her with a blank expression and said, "No i cant."

She rolled her eyes and opened the door.

I told her "I don't think you wanna do that."

She went in anyway and seconds later, I heard a screeching yell of suffering. 

I woke up. For real this time.




busy bee

so i've decided to make myself busy instead of sitting and waiting around for something to happen. i'm excited to go back home but i'm also feeling a little heavy hearted that i have to leave K.L, mostly because i will miss Miko and also Fufu. We'll put the test whether or not distance will make the heart grow fonder.


Here's a list of things that I'm going to attempt to do while back home.
1. Bake Christmas cookies 
2. Try to make Christmas candies. (Don't think it's a difficult task but may be a lot of work.)
3. Try out new recipes
4. Attempt rock climbing with Nova
5. Spend as much time as I can with the girls.
6. Quality time with family
7. Attempt to take up a dance class
8. Read up before the semester starts.


Since 8 is a lucky number, i am just going to stick to 8. Shouldn't be so difficult now, no?


Miko loves snuggling in a pile of lingeries

forget the rest

when it comes to what you want and what makes you happy, how far will you go to achieve it or to maintain it?

it is so hard to be happy when the people that you thought would the most supportive turn their backs on you and claim that you are purposely spiting them. this is no longer about you, this is about me. i realize that the moment i start being happy is when i stop pleasing everyone.

am i that inconsiderate to be going on to what makes me happy yet i know it makes you upset and sad? or should i just abandon everything and do what pleases you and be miserable? emotional blackmailing leads to emotional roller coaster which then leads to hate and grudges.

what to do....?